:-:-: inside my CrAzY mind :-:-:

hmmm

2005-10-20T17:14:24Z

So much has been going on, and I feel very indifferent about everything... I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, and I dont know how much longer I will be able to keep it in

minorthernstar @ 2005-10-01T19:58:00

2005-10-02T00:28:16Z

Well I definitely havnt updated in a while... but I just have been kinda busy. I think the thing that is bringing me here right now to write is because I have been having a very weird week. I dont understand why Matt and I keep arguing, and then the one time I am kidding around with him trying to do to him what he does to me when he asks a million questions about something petty, and he took me waaaay serious. I really really really wasnt serious. And he doesnt believe me, he starts taking people off his buddy list and being all irrational about things. I dont know. It makes me angry and annoyed all at the same time, cause even when I tried to tell him I was kidding, he didnt believe me. I dont know what to do... and I just... gggrrraaaaaaahhh! Things are just so.. I dont know. Weird right now, and trying to talk online just doesnt work because then one of us takes something the wrong way and it just starts another argument, then we get back on he thinks I am mean, and I think he's bossy... grrrrrrrr, I need to talk to him in person.... Cause I really really dont want things to be bad for us, because then they will be harder to get back to being ok when he is home. Maybe we are both just so stressed.. I dont know. Sometimes I just feel like I dont have control over things... and neither does matt. I dont know what to do... and its really getting to me. We were doing so good too, I mean I know all relationships have their downs, but not like a few days of them, normally we bounce back really quick and it seems like theres nothing to bounce on! Maybe its just one of those weeks or something.... He's been gone for 9 months... and we still have like 8 to go... wow, I am sad... this situation blows.. everyone is like "how do you do it? You seem like you are taking things so well" ::surprise:: I guess matty's not the only one who can act... anyway... I have to go.. I dont even make sense to myself anymore....

minorthernstar @ 2005-09-12T15:17:00

2005-09-12T19:18:49Z

ick, i feel like crap today

::sigh::

2005-09-02T16:14:48Z

Well, my first week of school went well I would say. I ended up dropping Speech and Chemistry. I really dont have time for them. I still have english, math, Kickboxing and Marching band. Kickboxing is so awesome.

I'm kind of in a weird mood today, I feel bad for the people in Louisiana. I wish there was something I could do about it. Me and Laura were talking about it last night, how it happened on like sunday or whatever, but they didn't send anybody to help until like Wednesday night. I hate that, it makes me really angry. There are people who want to help, but dont have the resources to do it, and then there are the people who do have the resources to help, but they dont, or they go in late. Grrrr.

I have to go, just thinking about this crap gets me frusterated.

P.S. Matty if you read this, I looooooooove you!

::Yawns::

2005-08-26T10:50:29Z

What a week I had. Getting up early to go to try and talk to matt, then band camp, then going to AHHS to help with Color Guard there. The good news is that I Finally finished the routine for them. Today summer and I have to go out and find stuff for their "costumes" They are suppose to be pirates! And today we need to get the costumes, fix them up, and then have them to the school by 4:15. I am sick of running around. But yikes! I gotta go. I'll write more later! See ya!

blah

2005-08-14T18:33:20Z

So I missed the family support meeting that was actually yesterday. Whatever. The army blows. Now I know why matty is having fun, he has a gun, and he can shoot things. Im aggrivated and cant do a damn thing. I rushed around for nothing, wasted gas, and now matts dad is saying I said told him it was yesterday. BLAH! I need my grandma. I cant wait to see her tomorrow. At least I can go to where she is, and can call her when I need her. Matt gets online on my good days... lol. the irony of it. I guess he can sense its a bad day, and doesnt want to deal with me and my whining. I'm pathetic though, and I just leave lots of messages on his yahoo messenger. LOL. yeah! go me! well I think i am gonna go to target or something. I am bored. Or maybe I will take a nap. I dont know. whatever

minorthernstar @ 2005-08-13T21:17:00

2005-08-14T01:23:09Z

hmmm, haven't really been in the mood to write in here lately. Yesterday was my birthday, tomorrow is a family support meeting, and then monday I am going to Florida for a week. But thats all thats been going on, other than like color guard and I am starting some of the math work in the book I have. Thats all though. See ya

P.S. I LOVE MATTY!!!

love...

2005-08-04T03:11:10Z

Being in love with someone, has to be the most extraodinary feeling in the world. And with matt being gone, it just makes me realize how much we were meant to be together forever. Everyday is a constant reminder of how much he means to me. I love how even now he can make me laugh out loud just by reading a simple line in an email. Reminds me of a quote... "Anybody can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly" And boy oh boy is that true. I wish I could describe how I am feeling right now. Unfortunately everything I just said before that quote probably made zero sense. However that is ok! LOL.

I think I'm losing my mind....

Anyway I'm gonna go.... but I leave on this note....

I LOVE SPC TUZAS, MATTHEW!!!

I hate grape...

2005-07-24T04:31:04Z

lol, I am sitting here picking through a box of nerds because I hate grape! yuck!

I haven't said anything in here for a very long time. Turns out I might be working at the icing instead of claires, but whatever its all good. Babysitting Lauren ends this month, which makes me sad, she's an awesome little girl. Tuesday me and Kristine are going to David's bridal to look at dresses, even though I am pretty sure I am just going to go with the ones that both matty and I like. I just dont know about having them blue. I kind of want pinkish orange. Who knows what will happen though. I still have over a year!

Good News! I am going to Florida again! So once I get through the first week of August... it will be my birthday week the second week (Friday the 12th!) Then I have a family support meeting, then monday the 15th I leave for FLORIDA!! I come back the 21st (sunday) and then I have Band Camp at SVSU the 22nd, 23rd, and 24th... and I am pretty sure there are color guard sectionals afterwards. Then Thursday the 25th is the girls first game (AHHS) so I am gonna go to the school and help out a lil bit. Hopefully Mr. Wendt gets me the music so I can write this friggin routine. Which I am really excited to do. Then school starts on the 29th! I have feeling that August will go by quick, which is awesome because that means that I am one month closer to seeing my matty!

The last time I talked to Matt he was doing good, which was wednesday (20th) I find it kind of ironic how when he was in Mississippi training and all that he always sounded depressed and stuff, but now that he is in Iraq and he is actually getting to do stuff, he sounds happy! LOL. I am glad though, cause I just want him to be ok. His latest request: A microwave. Yes thats right folks, he wants me to send him a microwave and ramen noodles. So what did I do? I ran out, got a microwave, and pretty much anything microwavable. The things I do for him. hehe, its ok though, I'm sure if it were me I would be doing the same thing and asking for all sorts of things.

But I have to get going and get some things figured out. See ya later!

yep

2005-07-17T05:03:18Z

Ok so matty is in Iraq now. I'm scared. But I know he will be ok! Cause my love is like a giant shield for him! hahaha that sounded stupid. oh well. Been busy lately with babysitting, helping my mom move, cleaning, writing matty, getting stuff to send to him. But anyway, I dont really have much else to say about anything. So I guess I will write more some other time!

minorthernstar @ 2005-07-07T23:27:00

2005-07-08T03:42:57Z

I'll use J's method of Journaling... clear and to the point facts... may be a bit easier on me:

-:-:-I'm tired...

-:-:-I need to move out of my dads and be on my own...

-:-:-Once I take my schedule into Claire's I could possibly start a new job, even though it is only 15 extra hours a week.

-:-:-Pat gave me the idea of seeing if I could work between this claires and the one in Bay City... more hours, more money... and I could maybe move out....

-:-:-Speaking of Pat... she took her shoes off at work today, and Jacob put them in the walk in freezer... it was SO FUNNY! she talked about it for the rest of the night...

-:-:-Writing Matt is FUN, although, it tends to make me cry...

-:-:-We decided on a song for "our song" for our wedding/blessing of the vows whatever you wanna call it...

-:-:-This too, makes me cry...

-:-:-The toilet paper we use here at my dads is waaaaay softer than kleenex tissues...

-:-:-I can't wait to take kickboxing... I have a lot of anger

-:-:-I hide it well, don't I? :)....

-:-:-I cant find half of my room, because it's hidden under all the friggin crap in my room...

-:-:-In other words, I NEED TO CLEAN

OKIE DOKIE.... I think I am done.... I am going to go for now, but I shall be back tomorrow... maybe. BYE!

minorthernstar @ 2005-07-07T11:21:00

2005-07-07T15:28:50Z

I talked to Matt yesterday!! It's exciting I know. This weekend will be busy Babysitting, Birthdays, Family support metting, and a color guard tryout on monday. (my weekend is friday through monday because its the four days of the week I babysit) But anywho, I know matt said that he would call me again soon. So all I can do it wait, and write him.

Anyway I am going to go, because I have no motivation to write anymore than I already have.

See ya!

Happy 4th...

2005-07-04T15:49:47Z

So this will be the first day that I dont go down by the river to watch the fireworks, after I thought I was going down there with my mom. I'm pretty sure the only reason that she's not going is because my dad isnt going. I know you're wondering "why would that matter" but ever since they started hanging out more, its like my dad comes first... or well second after Zachary.... I cant believe it! Ive been bumped down to FOURTH! At least I'm number one in Matty's Eyes... thats all that matters. :) Today is one of his favorite holidays... I wish I could be with him... or him with me. He told me that it is 130 degrees over there... yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucky. I only got to talk to him for like 9 minutes though... not long enough if you ask me. It was a 100 minute phone card too! After all the fees and crap, it was only a 9 minute one. Thats kind of stupid. But at least I got to talk to him. Today is my last day babysitting for the weekend. I really have to quit spending so much money when I am babysitting, but I cant help it! lol... its not that much really. We went to michaels and got some string and I made an ankle bracelet. And I am going to back to michaels to get some other colors so I can make one for matty (not an ankle bracelet) Something he can look at and think of me! Although I am sure that he thinks of me alot. I just hope he focuses. duh! its going to be a camo colored one! NEATO HUH!?!?! lol. Anyway I am going to go now. BYE!

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-07-04T03:49:57Z

I TALKED TO MATTY TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

back to normal... whatever that is

2005-07-03T03:58:44Z

ooooooookay.... I'm feeling like things are getting back to how they were. Which is good. The days are going by pretty fast, and before I know it I will be in school (taking the "delta difference") yay for me! That will make time go by even quicker. Until school starts though, I will keep working at McDonalds, and babysitting, and hopefully I will start this new job. HOPEFULLY!

Anyway, I am really tired. I've been going to bed early lately, and that means at like 11 or so. Not sure why. Oh well.. I need to finish writing the love of my life, then its of to dreamland.... You know that place where Matty and I can actually be around each other. (maybe thats why I want to go to bed early all the time.) Night!

minorthernstar @ 2005-06-30T13:49:00

2005-06-30T17:55:48Z

I wish I had a scanner so I could scan the pictures matt and I took over the course of him being home, and me being down in MS. That way everyone could share in our JOY! :) I miss my baby

minorthernstar @ 2005-06-29T00:34:00

2005-06-29T04:42:41Z

blah

thats all there is to it really...

hard to breathe
hard to speak
I cant eat
and I cant sleep
this pain so deep
the sadness seeps
I cry and weep
as the lonliness creeps

what do you do, when the person you normally can tell anything to, and take your problems to, is the problem? I dont mean that to seem as bad as it sounds... its just that I can't sit there and tell matty how much everything hurts right now, cause its just not the kind of stuff he needs to hear about or focus on or anything. Ya know? I know what I mean, and thats really all that matters. This still sucks really bad.

minorthernstar @ 2005-06-27T22:41:00

2005-06-28T02:48:44Z

So yeah, I had this whole friggin thing written, and then livejournal decided to be gay. Anyway, to make a long story short.. Matt came home and it was awesome, everything went better than I thought, then I drove down to Mississippi again, which also went better than I thought. It was so hard to watch matt in my rearview mirror as I was driving away. Especially since he had tears forming in his eyes after he was telling me to be tough. I'm trying not to cry right now just thinking about it. He's on a plane to Kuwait right now, seriously pray that everything goes good for him.

I dont think I have ever been so many different emotions at the same time before.

minorthernstar @ 2005-06-07T21:59:00

2005-06-08T02:07:40Z

not much to say really, except for MATT COMES HOME FRIDAY!!! Tomorrow is delta orientation, then thursday is management "graduation", then friday I babysit tish's kiddies then its off to the airport to pick up the love of my life!! I'm gonna look cute too. :) Got my outfit alllll picked out, just need some brown flip flops! I am so excited! Well thats all for now!! See ya!!

Matty Matty Matty Matty Matty Matty Matty Matty Matty Matty Matty!!!!!!!!!!

2005-06-06T17:56:16Z

MATT COMES HOME FRIDAY!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!! Its just so exciting. If I havn't told you about when his party is and all that good stuff, let me know!!

minorthernstar @ 2005-05-30T23:46:00

2005-05-31T04:14:36Z

So yeah.. yesterday... the first time matt called me, I was at work, and my phone didnt even ring. Then when I got his voice mail, I cried for like 30 minutes, nonstop, that cant breathe type crying where your face gets all red and puffy. (which is worse for me, because my face is naturally red and puffy, lol) Then he called later at night and was like "I only have 10 minutes" and the minute I heard someone mumble something to him, and he said to them, "I know, I just have to say bye first" I started crying again. Anywho... I got myself calmed down, and like 20 minutes later, HE CALLED AGAIN! THIS time, we talked for an hour and a half!!!! It was great, he's great. Too bad I'm an idiot, and told him about my surprises. ::slaps self in forhead:: oh well.. just because he knows what I'm doing doesnt mean my plan of seduction wont work!!! :) It'll work... I know it will. muhahahahah (evil laugh)

I'm kind of hoping that he will call me again tonight. He promised that he would try to call. I can't believe that he will be home NEXT WEEK!! aaannnnddd.... he said that they might let them out two days early, and that he would be tryin to get a stand-by flight home. WHICH MEANS HE COULD BE HERE ON WEDNESDAY!!! YAY!!!

I decided to ask matt if he wanted me to throw him a little get together-ish type thing with his friends, he said yes. So in other words, I gotta start calling people. There's only about 10 people I plan on calling though. It will be good times. We've decided to have it at TGI Fridays. I am thinking definitely wednesday (the 15th I think it is) but maybe thursday. I dont know now, but I will know when I call everyone. yay! I'm in control of who's gonna be at this one.

Dont know if I mentioned this, but on the way up north we are stopping in Bay City so I can show him the wedding dress I really really REALLY like. I swear... October 21 ('06) is going to be AWESOME!!!! I can't wait to renew my vows with the love of my life. I just wish everyone was as lucky as I am in finding the right person. I know this one girl whos boyfriend broke up with her... said he wanted to date other people. I said "let him".. from experience there... because you know... if it was meant to be, it will happen. Happened for me and matty!!

Today I went fishing with my mom, dad, and brother. I got a little sunburned. Which sucks. Now if I want to wear that green dress I will need to go to the tanner, so I dont look funny. Its ok though. After fishing, I went to meet this woman and her kids. I will be babysitting for them starting in July. Which is cool, cause if McDonalds isnt gonna be giving me the hours, this helps out. She pays five dollars an hour, along with the other people, who pay 4. Its good times.

Speaking of McDonalds, I am almost done with my classes for management. Next week, I have my "graduation" LOL, whatever that means. I'm glad I have things to keep me busy this week. It makes the time go by quicker. Picking up grandma from the airport, my lil sis's graduation (I'm proud of you Karen Ann!! love ya!!) babysitting over the weekend, yay! I am excited. Tomorrow, I have to do my shift management verification. Meaning.. I have to run a shift for two hours! (at the least) I'm kind of scared, but kind of excited too.

Well jeeze, now that I have typed my fingers off, I'm gonna go. BYE!

minorthernstar @ 2005-05-30T11:36:00

2005-05-30T15:39:24Z

MATTY CALLED ME LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HIM SOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!

minorthernstar @ 2005-05-25T11:33:00

2005-05-25T15:48:51Z

so today I am actually up before noon! I've been up for a good hour and a half. yay for me! Kristine called me and invited me to go to this party thing with her. This guy she used to work with will be DJing it. I guess last time she took her friend and she was like spazing out. Too ghetto or something Kristine joked around. Then at the same time I was going to ask if I could ask laura if she wanted to come, kristine goes "invite laura if you want!" haha. So I will.

Today I have to babysit at 2:45, then at 6 I am going to Kristine's baseball game with Audrey. After that who knows what I will do.

Thursday is Pat's birthday, and jodi invited me to go out with them. So after my management class I am going to come home and get ready, then go out to mcdonalds at 9 so we can go out to I think Applebee's.

I've also decided that I will for sure drive down to Mississippi. That way I will have my own car, and I can stay for as long as I want. I'll tell you what... if there's a chance that I can see matt more than just those two nights... thats what I'll do. Anyway, I think I will leave on the 20th, and just take my time driving down there, then stop after about 10 hours and sleep (somewhere in Tennessee) and then get up and keep driving the last 6 hours. Hopefully the hotel I want to stay at has early check in. Yep, I just called, and they said if the room is available they do. GOOD TIMES! Now if I would just hear from matthew I could tell him my plan! :)

I guess I should go get into the shower now. Then I need to figure out a budget for these two events. (matt coming home, and me going down there.) Anyway... I'm off! see ya!

::sigh::

2005-05-24T01:53:34Z

Why is it, that when you know you have to get up early, you cant sleep, but when you dont have crap to do the next day, you go right to bed? Thats how it was last night for me. I had to get up at 4:15 so I could take my grandma to the airport in flint. Came home and rolled around in bed for a while, ended up falling asleep and waking up at like 12:30. My mom brought chinese to my dads house for lumch! yum. Then I had to Babysit. Today instead of getting out at 7:30 it was 9:30. Which is ok, more money to go into my plan for matty! :) I found the glasses I was looking for. Found them at the dollar store! yes!

Turns out that I might have to drive to Mississippi again. :( I can't rent a car cause I'm only 18. However... if I get someone thats 21 or over to go with me, they can rent it. I already know who I would go with. She asked if I was driving when we were at the meeting yesterday. I told her I didn't plan on it, but I would. If she can fly down there, then thats what I am doing, then we can just split the cost of the car and gas. Except now I dont know what days I will need off and its confusing. blah. I still havent heard from Matthew yet either, so I can talk to him about all of this to get his opinion. Crossing my fingers for him to call me just isn't working. It really sucks. 18 DAYS!! I can't wait to see him. I miss him so much, the only time I smile is when I am at work, cause they're all dummy's there. The first time when I can't hide how I am feeling behind my smile.

Anyway, I think I am going to go to Matty's house and grab the mail, then come home and try and clean my room up. Its so cluttered, blah. see ya

minorthernstar @ 2005-05-21T22:18:00

2005-05-22T02:34:01Z

My legs are so sore from doing a hopscotch yesterday for like 45 minutes with Lauren. We made it up to 100, and it went in front of her house and curved up her driveway. It was actually pretty cool. I didn't think I would be so sore from it though, just shows I dont do enough. Oh well. We had fun, she has so much energy, it's great.

Today before work Laura and I went shopping. Probably spent a little more than I should have, but thats ok. It was fun, and I got some cute summer clothes. Somehow I fit into a size 12 at Express.... YAY! I guess. lol. I think we are going out to walmart tomorrow morning, I need to take these two things back, and I might need to go to Meijers to pick up these glasses that I want. (not eyeglasses) My plan for up north with matty and me is allllll coming together!! It is seriously going to be sooooo much fun.

Still haven't heard from matt. But I kind of figured that. He said he would try and call, and I know he's really busy so I won't get upset about it. Tomorrow is a Family Support Group meeting at the Armory. Hopefully I will get some good news! Like... those two days in June (22nd and 23rd)... maybe they'll have them off and I can go see him! I already figured out how much it would cost with airfare, rental car, gas, and hotel. So when he calls me I can tell him all about it. He said "if we can afford it, you'll be down here" we'll afford it! I'll make sure of that! :D

Anywho.... I should probably go and do something, like clean my room up a little, or maybe file those papers that are building up in the shoebox under my bed... OR fold my clothes. Maybe all three things. I need to write mattyo yet too. Hopefully I will hear from Matt tonight ::crosses fingers::